Student Action

Canada: Teen talk: Tennhood Today: Proof is in L.O.G.I.C. on bottled water use

The Daily Star, Oneonta. By Jessie Matus -

There are many things in this world that possess little to no rationality for existing.

In an atheist's view, they would be accidents of evolution; in a Christian's view, they would be the spoils of a hobo digging through God's waste bin.

As far as any common man can see, these things do not benefit anyone or anything; however, they insist on clinging to life like an obese coffee addict clings to the idea of a Starbucks Non-Fat Super Mocha Chocolate Cheesecake Blended Fun.

Reader, you are certainly familiar with these useless things; you probably work with quite a few of them at the office.

Examples of this category include war, all MTV shows, and instruction manuals printed in French and sold in Texas.

But of the unjustifiable existences that take up hard-drive space on planet Earth, none are more pointless than what will be discussed today.

This useless thing may have already won you over with the sheer stupidity of its existence; this useless thing may be nestled in your refrigerator, sucking money from your wallet like a leech.

This useless thing is bottled water; from its influence, let our Politically Correct Respective Deities save us all.

In a decidedly middle-class, white community, bottled water is something that is almost impossible to escape from.

White collars carry it to the office; blue collars carry it to the various construction sites that seem to be open 24 hours a day.

Teenagers who consider themselves people who are "environmentally conscious" drink bottled water alongside teenagers who consider themselves people who "just don't care."

One of the reasons that many people cite for this habit is the idea that bottled water is somehow "healthier" than tap water.

No one seems to understand the source of these mysterious health benefits that supposedly come from drinking bottled water.

However, a handful of experts theorize that paying extra money for something that is already being paid for may increase the product's Vitamin G content.

Vitamin G is most abundant in scam e-mails, salesmen and hypochondriacs; the G stands for "gullible."

I would like everyone reading this to take a moment of silence in disrespect for all those people who are so very, very stupid (yes, I used the S word. I went there.) that they regularly buy and pay for bottled water: everyone except for me.

I have a scientific theory of my own that the target audience of this silence should take a gander at; it's called L.O.G.I.C, and it offers proof as to why all of you should take that moment of silence offered in your names and extend it to life.

L.O.G.I.C begins with Location; you live in upstate New York. You do not live near an overflowing nuclear plantation in Wyoming; you do not live in war-torn Pakistan. Your water sources are not watering holes that hippopotamuses use as beds, baths and beyond.

You live in upstate New York.

There are many, many reasons that people see fit to drop dead in upstate New York, including boredom and running into a cow on the interstate. However, I've never heard of anyone keeling over in his home due to death by tap water.

Am I missing something? Did all of you lose your dear Uncle Freds and Aunt Wilmas to that old transparent magic, the devil's tea itself? Is there really such an epidemic of water poisoning across America that thousands are bunkering themselves into the old bomb shelters with 12-packs of Dasani in fear of leaking pipes?

There is nothing in the water. I don't just have my own contempt to back me up on this; I have facts (I save them for special occasions). Tap water from drinking water treatment plants is regulated by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency in all 50 states.

Most municipal water treatment plants are subject to several inspections a year; bottled-water plants are regulated by the FDA, which administers one annual inspection if it's feeling energetic.

In fact, bottled-water companies are subject only to FDA regulations that the water originates from "a source of water ... that has been inspected and the water sampled, analyzed, and found to be of a safe and sanitary quality according to applicable laws and regulations of state and local government agencies having jurisdiction."

Basically, the regulations for American bottled water are as standard in one state to the next as are the regulations for snowflake formation.

But save your discomfort; we have more Bottled Water for Dummies coming up in section I, after a word from our sponsors, O and G.

O stands for, "Other Body Parts." As far as I know, very few of the people who drink bottled water used it for cooking, cleaning and bathing. Let's suppose that tap water WAS full of arsenic and Communism and everything else that poisons the mind; would you want to bathe in it?

Does it occur to any of you that the imaginary contamination and mineral deposits that you fear from drinking tap water could just as easily penetrate your skin?

Most toxins can be absorbed into the bloodstream. If water pipes WERE hiding poisonous contents, let's just say that there's more than one way to skin a sucker.

G stands for "Green as Garbage." Some of you may be vaguely aware that water bottles are made of plastic. Some of you may be vaguely aware that plastic is bad for the environment. Some of you are doing your best not to care. However, I'm sure that the phrase "oil consumption" makes a few more hands clutch their credit cards to their chests in unadulterated terror. Large amounts of oil and fresh water are used to create a bottle of water.

Another reason widely cited for bottled water use is its "convenience." Bottled water is NOT convenient, and this is why. Bottled water must be shipped to your local grocery store so that you can spend money on it; often it is shipped overseas from other countries.

For environmental purposes, shipping equals using gasoline and creating C02 emissions. Think of the 1-liter water bottle you're drinking as the 5 liters of fresh water and one-quarter liter of oil required to create and transport that one bottle alone (facts courtesy of the American Museum of Natural History website).

I and C stand for, "In Case You're Interested."

For those of you who still plan on persisting in the ultimately silly habit that is drinking bottled water, we have some lovely parting gifts in the form of statistics and their respective sources.

At least 25 percent of bottled water sold in America is really bottled tap water with no further treatment (Natural Resources Defense Council). Furthermore, 22 percent of the brands that the NRDC tested contained one or more chemical contaminants that were above state limits.

For the economically concerned, the Environmental Protection Agency estimates that bottled water costs on average $10 per gallon to make and transport, while tap water costs less than one penny per gallon.

We've all heard the quote, "There's a sucker born every minute." Judging by American consumption of bottled water in this generation, many of those suckers were born roughly between 1950 and 2000 in the middle-class communities of the United States.

Save your money; buy a sports water bottle. If you want your water cold and delicious, then fill the bottle and put it in the fridge for an hour.

There are justifiable things to be afraid of; water quality in upstate New York is not one of them. Keep your paranoia in its place. Don't let bottled water happen to you.

Jessie Matus is a junior at Oneonta High School.